I’ve decided to open a restaurant. It will be a take-off on those neon eateries with their fleshy, nubile young servers whose real mission is to whet your appetite for more than what’s on the menu. My waiters and waitresses won’t be anything like those full-bodied babies. Instead, the servers at my place will all be senior citizens, which is why I plan to call the place “Cooters.”
Our mature employees won’t flirt with the customers. In fact, if you step out of line or forget to say “please” and “thank you,” you may not get dessert until you apologize and clean your plate. If you behave, though, they’ll shower you with advice about why you should order the spinach or marry the right person. They will also call you “Honey” and “Sweetie,” but it sure won’t be a come-on.
Only certain seniors will do for my place, and they will not tolerate tasteless behavior from customers. I want oldsters with attitude. They have to be able to dish out more than the entree, and deliver it in short order.
I’m looking for gray hair, dental implants, bifocals and lots of lip. Eating at Cooters will be like going to Grandma’s when she’s in a mood. She may make the best biscuits in town, but she can be downright ornery and her switch is always within reach!
It’s time elders were proud of who and what we are, so we’ll sell T-shirts that say, “Old Coots Are A hoot!” We won’t wear short shorts or flaunt cleavage, but no one will miss it. Not that we couldn’t, mind you, but insurance is expensive, so there’s no sense in risking customers choking on their pot roast.
No, we’ll be fully clothed in something comfortable that doesn’t require anti-gravity underwear or starch. We may occasionally sport ducktail haircuts or bobby socks and poodle skirts, depending upon our mood du jour, and the first customer who pokes fun at our get-ups will find himself in the middle of the dining room, doing the twist with Great Aunt Gidget, as punishment.
Every place has a theme and Cooters’ will be seniority. Seniors got here first, so we have dibs. We’ll say what we think, and those who are too thin-skinned to take it had better go to those other places – the ones where the food is not the main attraction.
I suppose, all things considered, it’s entirely possible that the food won’t be the main attraction at Cooters, either.
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